Love is not enough

With love and relationships when is enough, enough? I used to think… never. You don’t give up… you keep trying because it’s love, because it’s so worth it!
But at what point does the relationship change from being passionate to toxic hurtful & destructive?

I think that point is crossed when one or both partners feel disrespected and/or disrespect one another. When boundaries are not observed and those boundaries are constantly disregarded.

If you truly love someone… wouldn’t you try to always respect those boundaries and give them the reverence that they deserve ? Seems easy but it’s not.

Lately one of my partners and myself haven’t been seeing eye to eye and it’s gotten to the point where, what & how I say anything triggers him. In turn he says mean, disrespectful and hurtful things. After, he is apologetic, remorseful and claims he doesn’t mean any of those terrible words. Of course I’ve forgiven those unkind words – Chalking it up to anger, hurt, booze and frustration. And he’s forgiven me as well for what upsets him.

However this time I have been wondering when and where do I draw the line? How many times do I let him apologize for saying hurtful things? And if it’s happened before won’t it happen again? Isn’t it up to him to change the way he reacts to frustration, hurt and anger? Words have weight, by saying things that are terrible and apologizing after, doesn’t it negate all the good things he has said as well? Doesn’t the power his words hold diminish? For how am I to believe he means the good or the bad? How am I to know what is true?

With my last serious partner, I couldn’t even think of giving up… it was never an option. However, I’ve grown and I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself. Work that involved reflection, changing my behavior and breaking patterns.
Sometimes being in relationships…. It is easy to get carried away and forget oneself. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns and get caught up in the emotions and the drama of it all.

I have always been a caretaker and sometimes out of habit, it’s easy to forget myself and concentrate on my partner. Focus on what they want or need while ignoring the little nuances and red flags that warn me, the way ahead, is not in my best interest. It is not their fault… it takes a lot of practice to stay true to changing my own thoughts and behaviors. And remembering who I want to be.

The biggest conclusion I have come up with is… I alone have to change myself. So I have to realize that sometimes when the time is right, it is ok to give up… give up someone, a situation or a relationship that is not serving it’s purpose anymore. It takes courage and strength to walk away. It will be lonely and sad but it has to be done. I have to set boundaries and adhere to them. It is ok to choose myself… for if I don’t who will?

I need more
I want more
I can’t pretend to feel loved by you anymore 
You havnt hugged me, held me or been loving in so long
I try to accept what you have to give 
But all it does is leave me needing more, feeling inadequate and lost 
I thought we were partners but here i am feeling alone again
You may still love me 
But you have nothing to give me, you have nothing you want to give me 
All it leaves is emptiness in my heart 
I have to learn to be without you 
As you have chosen to be without me 
I wanted what you promised- the love & life filled with adventure romance and togetherness 
Right now those are just memories and lost dreams
Dreams I’m left holding alone